


Close Quarters / Hope

by Tyler_Blackwing



Series: Merlin: Close Quarters [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Arthur is more insightful than expected, Episode Related, Episode: s05e05 The Disir, Fix-It, Heart-to-Heart, M/M, Merlin Is A Bad Liar, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Sad Merlin, arthur is a good king
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:53:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27409138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyler_Blackwing/pseuds/Tyler_Blackwing
Summary: "There can be no place for magic in Camelot."He's a hypocrite and he knows it, and Arthur must know it, but what can he do?Mordred is dying. His death might save Arthur. But it hurts to betray his people, and his facade cracks more with every word leaving his lips.Part 3 of my "Close Quarters" series. Could be read on its own.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin: Close Quarters [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1596565
Comments: 15
Kudos: 100





	Close Quarters / Hope

**Author's Note:**

> This scene hurts me so badly every time.  
> Merlin is pulled in so many directions that he keeps messing up, I can't bear how sad he is in season 5 ;-; the boy deserves better.

He couldn’t breathe. 

He felt as if an iron cage had closed around his chest. He sat at Arthur’s side in the woods, the sky so clear that the stars above hurt his eyes. 

This should be the freest he’s ever been, cool air and magic surrounding him, fate sparking in the crackling fire. Mordred mortally wounded back in Camelot. His death, by the words of the dragon, would mean safety for Arthur. Or at least it would mean that his vision would not come true.

So why… why did he feel as if he was in that room again, that horrible night in the castle, after Arthur had seen him use magic? His heart ached so badly, but he didn’t let a single sob escape his lips.

Arthur had been good to him, despite everything. He hadn’t told anyone about his magic, he’d accepted it. All of it. 

  
But… he hadn’t lifted the ban on magic in Camelot. Merlin understood - it was scary. Arthur was hesitant to undo Uther’s ruling, but he had listened to Merlin and he had been merciful when someone accused of sorcery hadn’t harmed anyone. 

Still, the law stated death as a punishment, and with all that had happened, the knights had slain the sorcerer sent by the Disir to pass on judgement. They had gone to their cave, Arthur firm and regal but the slightly disrespectful prat he usually was. Mordred had to be taken back to Camelot because Merlin didn’t dare to use magic before the knights, not even when Arthur had stared at him imploringly. 

  
He had hardly slept after that, panic taking a hold of his chest. He was torn. Mordred seemed nice enough. He had saved Arthur’s life, and the king seemed to think it unbearable to lose him.

Merlin didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth.

“What would you do, in my place?”

_By the magic in this forest_ , he didn’t know. But Arthur didn’t have all the facts. He lowered his gaze.

“Sorcery would reign once more in Camelot, is that what you want?”

_More than anything._ His eyes flicked up involuntarily, he couldn’t help himself. He saw compassion in Arthur’s eyes and felt his own getting wet. He would beg if his throat wasn’t so tight. 

_ Please. Please don’t make me do this. _

  
“Perhaps - perhaps it’s not as evil as we thought. “

He almost sobbed. He had to look down, to compose himself. The Disir had said it, this decision would rule over his fate. This was the most important thing - it must have meant Mordred. They must know that he was destined to kill Arthur. He couldn’t let that happen. He just couldn’t.

“There can be no place for magic in Camelot.”

Silence.

Arthur looked at him, long and hard, as if searching for something. Disbelieving.

  
And Merlin turned away, staring into the darkness of the forest, crying silently. It _hurt_. It was worse than telling a lie about Uther and the circumstances of his birth. Worse than the fear of getting executed on the spot for having practiced sorcery in front of his king. He felt locked up, walls closing in on him, and there was no air, no air, no-

A sharp pain hit the back of his head with a slap.

  
  
“You’re an idiot.”

Arthur’s voice cut through the rushing sound in his ears and he stared up at him. The king plopped down next to him and rolled his eyes. 

“Seriously, Merlin, what in the world are you doing?”

He sniffled, swallowed, brought up his arm to rub his eyes. 

“I don’t know what you mean.” 

His voice was so thick it was comical, he sounded as if he had a cold.

Another long, annoyed look. Then Arthur shook his head and removed his gloves.

  
“I know that look on your face, Merlin. When I learned your secret, I understood why you’re such a girl sometimes.” He didn’t turn his head, but glanced over for a moment before slipping off his bracers. “It’s the look you get when you’re lying to me.”

Merlin sat up and opened his mouth to deny it, but he couldn’t. He exhaled deeply and his shoulders slumped as he wrapped his arms around his legs.    
“I-... I’m sorry.”

Arthur shuffled over. He slung an arm around his shoulders and Merlin’s eyes went wide as he stared up at his king.    
  


“I know there’s more to it when you do that.” He didn’t look at him, just stared at the fire. There was a bit of anger in his voice, but he seemed to make an effort to suppress it. Arthur rubbed his back, then took back his arm. He rummaged through one of the bags and pulled out an apple.

  
“Nobody can know what the future brings”, Merlin whispered. “It can cloud one’s judgement. And advice makes it just harder. We never have all the information we need.”

“That’s a wise assessment of the situation.”

“It’s the reason I lied to you.”

Arthur turned now, the dagger in his hand had barely pierced the skin of the apple.

Merlin looked into his eyes. His lip quivered, but he managed to keep his tears at bay now he was telling the truth. 

“I… have had dreams, Arthur. Visions. Not frequently, but sometimes I’m given knowledge I don’t know how to act on. I’ve tried to prevent things from happening but they did happen. I don’t know what to do, I just know what seems to be coming, bad things, deaths… and when I try to change something, I seem to be pushing it into a direction much worse-”

  
A slice of apple appeared in his face and tapped his nose. Arthur lifted it expectantly. He took it, confused, and gnawed on it a little bit. His favourite, he realized. The flavour was soothing. Juice stuck to his fingers, but he didn’t manage to eat more than the chunk he was holding.   
  
“You said it yourself, Merlin - nobody can know what the future brings. My father tried to change things for the outcome he wanted, and it killed him. I think… considering everything, maybe doing what’s right in the moment is the better way to go.”

“What if Mordred were the one destined to kill you.”  


Arthur blinked, taken aback. Then his face set, determined.

“Mordred is a loyal knight. If he were to attempt to kill me, I would fight him in honour. And if it’s not betrayal, then I accept the fact that I would deserve his anger, hoping to make up for it. I cannot, will not let him die after he saved my life. I did not let you die, either, when people tried to accuse you of betrayal. And I’ve never been wrong about your loyalty.”

Merlin stared at his features, illuminated by the dim glow of their diminishing campfire. Maybe… there was hope. How could Mordred’s heart hold hatred against this man, destined to do good, destined for greatness?

He took a shaky breath and felt a few more tears running over his face.

“Oh, please, what are you crying about now??”

“I’m proud of you.”

Arthur turned now, incredulous. “You’re what?”

“Proud.” More tears. He felt foolish. They had more important things to discuss.   
“You have a good heart, Arthur. I’m so scared to mess up again, but you’re right. We can only really affect the present.” If only he could tune out his fear for Arthur’s life.

  
His king took a deep breath.    
“Thank you, Merlin.” He grabbed his shoulder and leaned in, forcing Merlin to look at him. “And I’m worried, too. But I feel… after all this time, after all that you’ve done… with you by my side, there’s hope.”

Merlin gave a weak, nervous laugh.    
  
“Just doing my job, Sire.”

“You’re doing well.” Arthur groaned quietly to himself. “Well. Better than expected. You’re still a _terrible_ servant.”

Again, Merlin couldn’t help but giggle. He felt… relieved. The nagging worry in his heart didn’t squeeze quite so tightly anymore. 

He laughed and smiled a soft, gentle, warm smile and patted Arthur’s elbow.   
  
“You need to rest.”

“Will you give me your answer now?”

“You really want my advice for this?”

  
“Dear god, Merlin, whose advice would matter more than yours?”

As exasperated as he sounded, Merlin’s chest filled with warmth. He knew Arthur valued his opinion, but his insistence in this moment proved again that, no matter how much of an arse this idiot was, he was just as loyal as Merlin himself.   
  
“Magic is not evil, Arthur. People are. It can be dangerous, yes, and some use it for destruction and pain… but many use it for good. For healing. To help. So yes, Arthur - if it were my decision, I would… nothing would make me happier than being free to be myself.”

“What about Mordred?”

  
“For years, I was told he could become a danger to you. I couldn’t let him die when I first met him, I couldn’t… and I felt bad, because I wanted to protect you at all cost. I don’t want him to die. He’s -” 

Like me. He’s like me, that’s what he wanted to say, but it stuck in his throat. It wasn’t his secret to tell. 

“I don’t want to believe he will betray you. But I’m scared of it.”

“Well then. Let’s make sure he lives to prove your dreams wrong.”

Incredible, really, how Arthur did this. He couldn’t help but feel confident in the future when his king gave one of his speeches. His hand rested on his king’s arm, squeezing it gently.

“Thank you, Arthur, for giving me hope.”

  
“I wouldn’t have much to give if it weren’t for you.”

  
They stared at each other for a while, Merlin’s breathy laugh absorbed by the rustling of leaves in the wind. Then it was quiet, as if the world, the woods had stepped back and given them room, though the magic still thrummed in his body.

Arthur’s eyes were so… blue. Even at night by the glow of the fire they shone; he couldn’t look away. 

He didn’t know when they had drifted so close to each other. Their breath mingled and with a sigh he swayed forward, his forehead touching Arthur’s. 

Neither of them moved back. 

Neither averted their gaze.

Arthur’s breath hitched.

Merlin smiled. And with a glimmer in his eyes he brushed his lips against Arthur’s, the mere whisper of a touch.

  
Then Merlin pushed him onto his backside.   
  
“I wonder if there’s still hope that someday you’ll listen to me and go to sleep when I tell you.”   
  


“You don’t get to tell me when to go to sleep, _Mer_ lin, you’re supposed to get me ready when I want to.”

He laughed, finally light again, lighter than he’d felt in a long time. 

“Shut up and go to sleep, Arthur.”

  
“Get over here and be quiet, Merlin.”

They dozed off close to each other. 

Dawn broke with a life saved, a promise made, and a new hope for those who’d never thought their time of freedom in Camelot might come.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated :)
> 
> I thought I'd finish this series after this third, but I might write another one in a couple of months.   
> These two idiots are too cute to pass on the opportunity.


End file.
